"Good rice, good curry, good Gandhi, let's hurry" is not an acceptable form of Grace. Apparently.

Standing behind a 50-ish Mexican man at the liquor store. He was buying about 200 single-shot bottles of vodka, scotch and rum, etc.

The cashier: "you know, you can buy large bottles of these..."


The Mexican man simply pointed outside.


In the bed of his truck was an enormous naked-woman pinata.


I love living this close to the border.

One time in high school a clerk turned his back on my friends so they stole an entire roll of scratch tickets from the counter.
They drove really fast to other stores so they could cash them all before they were looking for them.

The entire roll of over 500 tickets cashed out at less than $150.

Don't buy scratch tickets.

I have a broken rib right now.

Never throw a bunch of wire coat hangers into a lamaze class.

One morning I wake up to find my roomate, standing in front of the refrigerator, freezer door open, sniffing the top of a plastic milk jug and giggling hysterically.


"Smell this," he insists.


I'm still half asleep, so when he holds the open bottle up to my nose, I take a deep whiff.


Mistake.


The stench wafting up from that bottle was enough to unhinge my knees. I collpased in a heap on the floor, eyes watering, snorting like a mad bull to clear the vile odor from my nostrils. I'd literally been knocked down, the smell was so bad.


"What was that?" I gasped. The bottle seemed completely empty except for a thin glaze of ice at the bottom.


He laughed crazily. "Last night when I was studying, every time I had to fart I'd hold this bottle up to my asshole and fart into it. Then I stuck it in the freezer overnight to see what would happen."


So that was it. Frozen farts.


More disturbing than the smell, perhaps, was the ice build up on the bottom of the bottle. I guess all that humidity coming out of his ass had condensed and frozen into pure fart crystals.


"Want to smell it again?" he giggled.


"Sure, why not."

"if you wanna come over and fuck, that's cool... but if you just wanna come over, well... that ain't cool."

He is not so different, I suppose, from a young girl I saw last week in a grocery checkout line. She was with her mother. She couldn’t have been more than six. She was white. As her mother paid the bill, she looked up at the cashier, a black woman, and in a loud, clear voice, said, “Excuse me, ma’am. Are you black?” Her mother gasped. But the cashier, who knew where the question was coming from, merely smiled and said, “Why, yes, young lady! I am!”.

procrastination is like masturbation, it feels good while ur doing it but in the end you're only fucking yourself.

The Girls (chronlogically):

#1 - Debra (the bestest and only one for me!)
#2 - Alexandria (fmdfm)
#3 - Maria (angry)
#4 - Linda (fishtank)
#5 - Lisa (blonde)
#6 - Cornelia (born again)

And the really weird thing. All of their names end in 'A'.

Weird.

La Salsa Hombre
Onan's Bearnaise
Love Pollution
Saint Mayo's Spread of Desperation
Instant Daddy Mix

1. I'm sorry, but what does this have to do with human sacrifice?

2. Seriously, will you still be this interested in me after we've dated for a while?

3. Would you be able to tell if I were defecating right now?

4. I am French. Your money means nothing to me.

5. I can smell your panties through the phone.