I think that the best I could hope for out of life, would be that when people mention my name it gets painfully quiet and tense until somebody can change the subject.

Love...

Love is when you take it up the ass, despite the fact that you have a perfectly good pussy you're dying to use instead.


Love is when you suck it, not thinking about the fact it had been up your ass just the night before.


Love is when, the next day, you have that awkward moment in which you realize you've sucked on something that's been up your ass -- and realize you don't care.


That said, I now understand why they say only fools fall in love.

my cat likes to sit on my girlf and i's laps when we use the toilet, and he's gotten used to just jumping up on the toilet seat when he sees us going in there. well i go in, lift the seat, and start to pee in the dark, only i don't hear anything hitting the water...then i hear a REEEEEOOOOOOWWWWWRRRR!!!!

turn on the light and yep...i peed on the cat.

So I get on an elevator, and there's this really attractive blonde there. She looks at me and says "T-G-I-F!" with a really big smile on her face.


I look at her, smile, and say "S-H-I-T".


She looks confused for a minute, and still smiling, says again, "T-G-I-F".


I return her smile warmly (after all, she is fine!) and repeat "S-H-I-T".


She decided I don't get it, so she says, "No, no, no. T-G-I-F. Thank God It's Friday."


I give her my best grin and says, "S-H-I-T. Sorry Honey, It's Thursday."


God, I wanted to slap her.

Brag, brag, brag. So I sez to him I sez. Brag, brag, brag:

"Can I get you another Guiness?" - Trent Reznor

"Hello Mr.D, how are you this fine day?" - Kevin Crompton

"I could sit on your lap." - Lisa Loeb

"I'm wearing silver ginch too, see?" - Sarah McLachlan

"Let's take her and her sister to the strip bar." - Tyler from BNL

"Taco Bell huh? That's some cool shit." - Method Man

"Hey guys." - Peter Buck

A lady in Vancouver recently told the police she was concerned about all the deer being killed near a "deer crossing" sign in her neighbourhood.

She asked the police to move the "deer crossing" sign to a place where it would be safer for them to cross.

"The Ninja Of Getting Hammered"

She said "I think you're hitting something down there." I told her it was her cervix. She looked at me and said "I thought the cervix was only something teenaged girls with coathangers could reach." I knew I was in trouble ...

Rhinotillexomania

Google it

There is an old Latin saying, Ars est celare arlem. This means that true art is so subtle that it looks quite natural and simple -- it does not look contrived.

I remember when I was little my dad used to bring home chocolate bars every second friday. I couldn't figure out why it was every second friday but obviously now I know: PAYDAY! LOL. He'd bring all different ones and the smallest kid got to pick first so me and my brother always got shafted with the shitty chocolate bars but it was still pretty cool. It sucked big time when that tradition stopped. I'm not sure if they ran out of money or we got too old...

I could tell from the back of her head she was smiling.

So I guess that's what it's like to wash out your mouth with soap.

The gastrointestinal effects of my initial taste test were minimal, except for violent eruptions of gas throughout the night. These deep tuba notes were completely odorless (perhaps they had been washed clean), but almost disturbingly loud. One honk of the trombone, which occurred at 3:00 am, was so noisome that it actually roused my wife from a deep slumber. "Cut it out," she mumbled, then rolled over and went back to sleep.

I'm a 33 year old black magician. Magic is my primary interest. Most of my time and money goes to it, by far.

I was what many people would consider a magical prodigy. I was summoning demons to visible apparition before I was out of elementary school. It killed at least two before I managed to figure out how to bind it.

No one taught me, I taught myself.

I can raise storms virtually at will. My tarot readings are close to 95% accurate and very specific. I can summon some remarkably fierce beings. Peers have described me as the Picasso of curses and hexes. And I have done things much more astounding, which literally have to be experienced to be believed.

I have bathed in blood for magic. I have fasted for weeks for magic. I occasionally perform rituals which require standing in silence and stillness for 24 hours.

And it is not enough. As far as I see it, I am a novice. I have accomplished a few things, yet I have a long list of things yet to do before I am satisfied.

Just the same, I have a library of close to a thousand books on magic, of every kind. I have read most of them many times. I have memorized a few.

Think what you may of my abilities, but no one can dispute my seriousness.

I was the first person on the Internet to establish major web resources and mailing lists dealing with black magic. I am the founder of necronomi.com. Before that I ran The Familiar Spirit BBS for three years. I am a noted contributor to the alt.satanism FAQ and the principal editor is a close friend of mine.

I've been featured or quoted in New York Magazine, the New York Post, Paper Magazine, Time Out New York, and (supposedly) in the New York Times. And I'm probably forgetting a few others.

In the magical community I choose my friends selectively and prefer to socialize online these days. Considering who and what I am, it should not surprise you that I am a misanthrope. Many of the most credible writers on magic who do so primarily over the Internet know me on a first name basis and consider me their peers.

I hate to brag, but you ticked me off.

If you must call me something, call me an asshole. I'll wear it with pride.

"Simply Irresistible"

Singer Robert Palmer dies at 54

Someone somewhere is thinking.

Yes, they are all out to get you.

The day after the storm
I didnt leave the house at all
They assumed from the lack of prints in the snow
That I had been away for some time
But I was upstairs

And I couldn't hear them
With my headphones on, recording a song
They broke my windows
And walked inside, beneath me as I played on
Unaware of what was going on

As my song began to fade
I heard whispering and then I couldn't breath
They were walking up the stairs
Towards me as I looked for somthing to try and scare them away
And I couldn't find shit
So I grabbed my bass guitar by the neck and held it above me
And hid by the top of the stairs and thats where I was found
5 days after I hit the ground

"Bass Song" by Hayden

Nietzsche: "God is dead."
God: "Nietzsche is dead."

Every 2nd blog has a post saying "sorry for not blogging in so long".

As a verb, "blogging" sucks.

My dog just farted while licking herself, and she got all mad at her own ass, all barking and growling at it.

The other day, my dad calls me and unintentionally reminds me there is always a master and a student. He told me this story:

Yesterday I got a phone call from a telemarketer, and I thought you'd appreciate this.

Hello, this is Alicia, she said, and I'm calling from--

I could tell she was a telemarketer right away, so I said: "Alicia?"

Yes? she replied. Then, in my creepiest voice, I said:

...what are you wearing?

Four full seconds of dead silence later, she hangs up the phone.